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Your Spouse/Partner

During treatment for your lung cancer, you may need to rely even more on the person closest to you: your spouse (or your soul mate, life partner—whatever you choose to call the special person who shares your life). It’s a natural reaction now to turn to the person you trust most, but it’s also natural for your spouse NOT to know automatically what to do.

Many couples tend to avoid dealing with the negative emotions they feel. Instead, they seem to find it easier to focus on practical, treatment-related issues. It may be helpful to try to find a balance between your life as a couple and your life dealing with lung cancer together.

Strengthening Your Ties

Extended illness can be a drain on any couple’s emotional and physical resources. It can impact everything—your social life, financial status, family roles and responsibilities, and physical and sexual intimacy. Even though the experience of lung cancer might not be called "good" for your relationship, getting through hardship together can strengthen it.

Like many partners who think it’s important to be strong for the significant other in their lives, yours may need reassurance from you that it's all right to feel frightened, uncertain, ambivalent, or depressed. He or she may need permission from you to freely and honestly express such feelings without adding to your stress.

There may even be times when you resent helping your spouse/partner cope. Such feelings can be a positive sign that you are fighting back and trying to regain control of your life, but there are other, more positive ways to do the same thing.

Setting the Tone

You may need to take the first step to "set the tone" and let your spouse/partner know exactly what you want and need. You may need loving, constant presence. Or, there may be times when you prefer some privacy. There is no right or wrong reaction, but honest ones can be the most helpful. Here are some suggestions for helping your spouse help you:
  • Don’t try to be superheroes. Some people exhaust themselves trying to be the same healthy, energetic spouse/partner they were before cancer. Respect your body’s signals for rest. Your spouse/partner is probably juggling a lot of responsibilities now—trying to deal with fears of losing you, keeping up with household chores, taking care of children. Let your spouse/partner know it's all right to take a break or to find some quiet, personal time. Please visit the For the Caregiver section of this Web site for additional support resources.

  • Talk! Your spouse/partner can love you and still not always know what you want all the time. Honest and open communication can help your spouse/partner feel more comfortable about helping you throughout your illness.

  • Encourage listening. Your spouse/partner may feel the need to solve problems, make things better, or offer advice. This reaction can be a way of dealing with feeling powerless, but it also can make you feel misunderstood, frustrated, unsupported, or even rejected.
In so many ways, the transition your loved one makes from caring partner to caregiver is a learn-as-you-go experience. Tell yourselves that there will be many new demands and challenges involved for both of you but that you can learn to manage the emotional and physical demands. Find the support you need to maneuver through the experience successfully, and you may emerge a stronger couple with a deeper bond.

Sources of Information

Knowing where to find credible and accurate information is an important step toward making life better for yourself and your loved one. The following resources may help:
  • Well Spouse Foundation
    63 W Main Street, Suite H
    Freehold, NJ 07728
    1-800-838-0879
    http://www.wellspouse.org
    A support organization for wives, husbands, and partners
    of the chronically ill and/or disabled.

  • CarePathways.com
    Absher Associates LLC
    c/o CarePathways.com
    P.O. Box 1797
    Kitty Hawk, NC 27949
    1-800-259-9591
    1-252-441-9141
    http://www.carepathways.com
    An Internet community created and maintained by registered
    nurses (RNs) that provides access to caregiving information
    and services and offers an online tool for assessing care needs.

  • R.A. Bloch Cancer Foundation, Inc.
    4400 Main Street
    Kansas City, MO 64111
    1-816-932-8453
    1-800-433-0464
    http://www.blochcancer.org
    Provides information for supporters of those with
    cancer, articles, and special programs.

  • American College of Physicians
    190 N Independence Mall West
    Philadelphia, PA 19106-1572
    1-800-523-1546, x2600
    1-215-351-2600
    http://www.acponline.org
    The nation's largest medical specialty society, fostering
    excellence and professionalism in the practice of medicine and
    offering support materials to cancer patients and their families.

  • Lung Cancer Online Foundation
    http://www.lungcanceronline.org
    Provides a gateway to lung cancer information on the Internet,
    with links that are explained and organized by topic, including
    services and support for caregivers.

Additional Resources

You may wish to read the following books for additional support and information for your family:

The Lung Cancer Manual
Alliance for Lung Cancer Advocacy, Support and Education (ALCASE)
ISBN: 0-9679154-0-6
1999

Living With Lung Cancer: A Guide
for Patients and Their Families
Barbara G. Cox; David T. Carr, MD; and Eloise Harmon, MD
Triad Publishing Company
ISBN: 0937404535, 136 pages
1998

Cancer and the Family (2nd edition)
Lea Baider
John Wiley & Sons
ISBN: 0471803006, 572 pages
2000